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Hey kids,

So, as it turns out, today is my birthday. Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday to me. Blow out candles. Whatever.

The thing is, it’s my twenty-ninth birthday.

In one year – ONE YEAR FROM RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT – I will be thirty years old.

Now, I’m not one of those guys who freaks out about turning thirty. It’s just a number. Really. A big, scary number. But just a number, nonetheless. I do, however, feel like I haven’t accomplished as much as I would have hoped at this point in time.

Y’see, a long time ago, when I was a wee lad of only 28 and 364/365th years old, I made a list of thirty things I wanted to do before I turned thirty years old. And, so far, I’ve barely made a dent in that list! Which is un-fucking-forgivable!

The list went as follows:

30 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 30

  1. Start writing a list of 30 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 30. (Off to a good start.)
  2. Make some comics.
  3. Be the guy that starts a slow clap, like in movies when something applause worthy happens, and one person claps kinda slow, then someone else joins in, and soon everyone is clapping.
  4. Fight a zombie.
  5. Prank call a stranger. And then become their best friend.
  6. Drink all the whiskey.
  7. Start a cult.
  8. Make up my own language and then force other people to start speaking it.
  9. Grow bored being in a cult. Pass out refreshments.
  10. Take part in a hostage negotiation. Either side. I’m not picky.
  11. Eat more bacon.
  12. Get divorced.
  13. Catch up on Fringe and Doctor Who.
  14. Build a time machine.
  15. Spatter myself in fake blood, go back in time to just before I use the time machine for the first time, warn myself of the horrible things I will have been through. Y’know, just to fuck with Past Me.
  16. Play Zelda again.
  17. Add another wild emotion to the fold and bump up my bipolar disorder to a tripolar disorder. Not sure which one just yet. Maybe horniness. That has a nice ring to it. Manic-depressive-horniness disorder.
  18. Charge my iPod.
  19. Have grandchildren.
  20. Use Kickstarter to finance my off-off-off-off-Broadway dream project, Die Hard: The Musical.
  21. Watch The Iron Giant again. That shit was awesome.
  22. Become a Private Investigator.
  23. Solve the case of “The Forged Private Investigator Badges .”
  24. Kiss a girl. On the mouth.
  25. Learn a new language. Preferably, Jive.
  26. Fake my death.
  27. Participate in a police lineup.
  28. Hitchhike across the street.
  29. Eat a burrito. But, like, a really big burrito.
  30. Finish writing a list of 30 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 30.

Alright. Two down, twenty-eight to go, 366 days to do it in.

Let’s do this!