So, as it turns out, today is my birthday. Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday to me. Blow out candles. Whatever.
The thing is, it’s my twenty-ninth birthday.
In one year – ONE YEAR FROM RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT – I will be thirty years old.
Now, I’m not one of those guys who freaks out about turning thirty. It’s just a number. Really. A big, scary number. But just a number, nonetheless. I do, however, feel like I haven’t accomplished as much as I would have hoped at this point in time.
Y’see, a long time ago, when I was a wee lad of only 28 and 364/365th years old, I made a list of thirty things I wanted to do before I turned thirty years old. And, so far, I’ve barely made a dent in that list! Which is un-fucking-forgivable!
The list went as follows:
30 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 30
Start writing a list of 30 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 30.(Off to a good start.)
- Make some comics.
- Be the guy that starts a slow clap, like in movies when something applause worthy happens, and one person claps kinda slow, then someone else joins in, and soon everyone is clapping.
- Fight a zombie.
- Prank call a stranger. And then become their best friend.
- Drink all the whiskey.
- Start a cult.
- Make up my own language and then force other people to start speaking it.
- Grow bored being in a cult. Pass out refreshments.
- Take part in a hostage negotiation. Either side. I’m not picky.
- Eat more bacon.
- Get divorced.
- Catch up on Fringe and Doctor Who.
- Build a time machine.
- Spatter myself in fake blood, go back in time to just before I use the time machine for the first time, warn myself of the horrible things I will have been through. Y’know, just to fuck with Past Me.
- Play Zelda again.
- Add another wild emotion to the fold and bump up my bipolar disorder to a tripolar disorder. Not sure which one just yet. Maybe horniness. That has a nice ring to it. Manic-depressive-horniness disorder.
- Charge my iPod.
- Have grandchildren.
- Use Kickstarter to finance my off-off-off-off-Broadway dream project, Die Hard: The Musical.
- Watch The Iron Giant again. That shit was awesome.
- Become a Private Investigator.
- Solve the case of “The Forged Private Investigator Badges .”
- Kiss a girl. On the mouth.
- Learn a new language. Preferably, Jive.
- Fake my death.
- Participate in a police lineup.
- Hitchhike across the street.
- Eat a burrito. But, like, a really big burrito.
Finish writing a list of 30 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 30.
Alright. Two down, twenty-eight to go, 366 days to do it in.
Let’s do this!