Hey kids,

Are you looking for summertime fun, but just don’t have enough money to go to the movies, a concert, or even the neighborhood swimming pool?  Well, don’t fret.  Uncle Frankie is going to give you ten helpful tips to having FREE summertime fun in this tough economy.

  • Start saving your finger and toenails after clipping.  Store them in an old tin can, jar, or bottle.  After a few weeks of clipping and saving, you should have enough to make your own Toenail Shaker Music Maker ™.  Just tape or screw the lid back on and dig that funky beat!
  • Find other kids in your neighborhood who have made their own Toenail Shaker Music Maker ™ and start a band!
  • Like hearing stories?  Talk to a homeless person!  REMEMBER: The crazy ones always have the best stories!
  • Do your parents make you cut the grass?  Save the clippings and start a compost heap!  EVERYONE loves compost!
  • Go into the woods with a friend.  Roll around in poison ivy and see who can go the longest before it starts to itch.  The first one to scratch loses!
  • Two words: Pigeon hunt.  You know those small gray birds that clutter up the parks and parking lots?  Well, not only are they filthy and disgusting, but they’re also tender and delicious!  Gather your rocks and sharpen your sticks and go on a good ol’ fashioned pigeon hunt!  Once you’ve got a few hits under your belt, set challenges for yourself!  See if you can kill two birds with one stone!  Rocks don’t grow on trees, y’know.
  • Start a lemonade stand.  Lemonade is cool and refreshing, especially on those hot summer days.
  • Take the proceeds from the lemonade stand and buy copious amounts of cold medication, then, start your own meth lab!  Meth is cool and refreshing, especially on those hot summer days.
  • Go to a Whores Race!  Gather all of the prostitutes who live in your area and have them compete in a fifty-yard dash.  RACING TIP: Always bet on the one with the best teeth or the one who does her business right before the race.
  • Stone all of the heathens and adulterers in your neighborhood.  It’s what God would want you to do.

Well, there you go.  Ten FREE tips on having summertime fun during these harsh economic times.  Try ’em out, then, make your own list!  Be sure to let me know what FREE summertime activities you enjoy.

And, above all, have fun!