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Cannon fodder,

Frankie

I was born and raised in a suburb of Cleveland, OH, twenty-eight years ago.  However, it didn’t feel like my life had really started I went away to college, in Columbus, ten years ago.

I was never that great at making friends and had, at one point in my life or another, even convinced myself that I was better off on my own.  Despite that, over the past several years, I somehow managed to amass some truly amazing friends.

Unfortunately, it would seem as quickly as we came together, we would drift apart and go our separate ways.

At the beginning of August 2007, two of my closest friends, Kevin and Jody, got married and moved a hundred miles away, to Akron, OH.

In July of 2008, my negro amigo David, already living for several years in Cincinnati, OH, accepted a teaching position at a university and moved to Toronto, ON Canada.

Halfway through the summer of 2009, Suenita, one of the first true friends I made after moving to Columbus, decided to return to her home in St. Croix.

And during the fall of 2009, my Sasquatch – Abby – attempted to “better herself” through “higher education” by attending the Savannah College of Art & Design in Georgia.

Yesterday, August 2nd, 2010, my best friend – Michael Lee Harris – foolishly followed in the Sasquatch’s very big footsteps and has moved out of Columbus, OH to relocate to the “Atlanta of Southern Georgia” – Savannah.

Michael is the last of my core group of friends to leave.  Sure, I have other friends and acquaintances, people I see or talk to every few weeks or months, but those whom I kept close contact with on an almost daily basis?

They’re gone now.

It’s just me.

Which can only mean on thing…

THAT I WILL RULE COLUMBUS WITH AN IRON FUCKING FIST!!!

NO MORE SHALL I WASTE VALUABLE TIME WITH MEETING UP WITH OTHERS TO EAT FOOD AND DRINK BEVERAGES OF THE ALCOHOLIC PERSUASION OR SEEING MOVIES OR JUST “HANGING OUT.”  (WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS…)

NO, NOW IS THE TIME THAT I SQUASH THE PUNY PEASANTS BENEATH MY BOOTHEALS AND TAKE MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS THIS PITIFUL CITY’S SOVEREIGN, FEARLESS LEADER!!  (FEARLESS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF, Y’KNOW, HEIGHTS AN’ SHIT.)

I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES, SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE ME, AND HEAR THE LAMENTATION OF THEIR WOMEN!!

NOW, FOOLS, KNEEL BEFORE FRANK!!

(Good luck, Mike.  Gimme a call once you settle in, dude.)

Hey kids,

Are you looking for summertime fun, but just don’t have enough money to go to the movies, a concert, or even the neighborhood swimming pool?  Well, don’t fret.  Uncle Frankie is going to give you ten helpful tips to having FREE summertime fun in this tough economy.

  • Start saving your finger and toenails after clipping.  Store them in an old tin can, jar, or bottle.  After a few weeks of clipping and saving, you should have enough to make your own Toenail Shaker Music Maker ™.  Just tape or screw the lid back on and dig that funky beat!
  • Find other kids in your neighborhood who have made their own Toenail Shaker Music Maker ™ and start a band!
  • Like hearing stories?  Talk to a homeless person!  REMEMBER: The crazy ones always have the best stories!
  • Do your parents make you cut the grass?  Save the clippings and start a compost heap!  EVERYONE loves compost!
  • Go into the woods with a friend.  Roll around in poison ivy and see who can go the longest before it starts to itch.  The first one to scratch loses!
  • Two words: Pigeon hunt.  You know those small gray birds that clutter up the parks and parking lots?  Well, not only are they filthy and disgusting, but they’re also tender and delicious!  Gather your rocks and sharpen your sticks and go on a good ol’ fashioned pigeon hunt!  Once you’ve got a few hits under your belt, set challenges for yourself!  See if you can kill two birds with one stone!  Rocks don’t grow on trees, y’know.
  • Start a lemonade stand.  Lemonade is cool and refreshing, especially on those hot summer days.
  • Take the proceeds from the lemonade stand and buy copious amounts of cold medication, then, start your own meth lab!  Meth is cool and refreshing, especially on those hot summer days.
  • Go to a Whores Race!  Gather all of the prostitutes who live in your area and have them compete in a fifty-yard dash.  RACING TIP: Always bet on the one with the best teeth or the one who does her business right before the race.
  • Stone all of the heathens and adulterers in your neighborhood.  It’s what God would want you to do.

Well, there you go.  Ten FREE tips on having summertime fun during these harsh economic times.  Try ’em out, then, make your own list!  Be sure to let me know what FREE summertime activities you enjoy.

And, above all, have fun!
-Frankie