Over the weekend, I was faced with a few personal problems that seemed to hold no foreseeable solutions. After losing my faith in G-d and religion years ago, I decided to take one last stab-in-the-dark at believing. So I asked myself: What, in fact, would Jesus do?
And, as quickly as I asked, I received my answer.
Following in Jesus’ footsteps, I rebelled and deconstructed the established religion and created a new one based on the sole worship of myself.
That’s right, kids: Frankianity is here!
Don’t worry about feeling obligated to donate money to the Church of Frank; membership dues are mandatory, so there’s no reason to feel guilty about not donating! Congregation members get an autographed Frankianity Bible at 25% off sticker price! Don’t like stale communion wafers? Ours are made of chocolate! (Cute) Ladies drink for free on Thursdays (Uggos still have to pay.)! Never have to worry about standing, sitting and kneeling again; everyone kneels before Frank!
Christianity is old and boring. Judaism would have you cut off parts of your anatomy. Hindus don’t eat steak! What’s up with that? Mormonism is creepy! Scientology is weird and fake! Join the Church of Frank today!
Frankianity: You may not be saved – and we will take your money – but at least we’re not claiming otherwise!
Your friend (and Lord and Savior),
PS – And, for those of you who may ask, no, forming my own religion did not solve my personal problems. But, I said to myself, who cares? I’m a friggin’ deity!