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Yeah, sounds about right…
All we are is dust in the wind,
…and here’s how:
Why didn’t I think of that?
So everyone knows I’m pretty much a cantankerous old bastard who hates everything. Here’s a short list of things that have been getting on my nerves lately:
- People who say ‘bodies’ when they mean ‘people’. EXAMPLE: How many bodies do you think it will take to move the couch? It just really creeps me out.
- Billy Mays. I had a great Billy Mays joke to put here and then the coked-up asshole had to go and die.
- People who say ‘recycle’ when they mean ‘reuse’. You’re not taking that grocery bag down to the recycle center and turning it into a brand new bag. You’re just putting something else in it.
- People who say ‘liberry’ instead of ‘library’.
- My cellphone. Seriously? Can’t get any reception in my own goddamn apartment?
- That Revol Wireless guy. You, sir, are too annoying to live. Please rectify that.
- My neighbors. Almost everyday, one of them tries to hit me up for a ride while the other wants cash. Take the bus and get a job, ya crackhead freeloaders!
- People who oppose universal health care. Why should only people with money be healthy? Stupid me, I always thought being healthy should be a basic human right, like education.
- My computer. Why are you sticking, Shift Key? Don’t make me get rough with you.
- Kelly Ripa. Way to set women back 60 years with your Electrolux Appliances commercials. Bitch.
- iTunes. So even though I have an iTunes store account – and I’m on the WORLD wide web – I still can’t buy a song available only through the UK iTunes store why? WTF, internet? WTF?
- My puppy. Six AM is too early to walk you. Why can’t you learn to use the toilet like everyone else?
- The ShamWow guy. No, I will not buy your product. I refuse to buy any product with the word “sham” in it’s name. And, yes, that includes shampoo. Why do you think I shave my head all of the time.
- The Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwich ™ sun guy. Dude just seems like a cult leader to me. “Have you eaten your Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwich ™ this morning? No? Well, how do you expect the Dean-Bop comet to carry you to the promised land of Saushangri-la? Don’t forget to wash it down with some Welch’s Grape Juice ™, made from 100% juice, never from concentrate.”
- My ex-girlfriend. No, I will not be attending your wedding this summer. Why? Because we didn’t exactly have the best break-up. Hell, we didn’t exactly have the most healthy relationship to begin with. Pretty sure it would be an extremely awkward and uncomfortable ceremony. But thanks for sending me an e-vite on Facebook.
- The elephant who lives on my ceiling. What the hell are you doing up there that makes that much noise? Are you an amateur caber-tosser? Are you rearranging your living room by throwing furniture across your apartment?
- School snow days. What the deuce? When I was a kid, we got – maybe – one snow day a year, if that! We had to walk to school in six feet of snow, up hill – both ways – and we were thankful for it blah blah blah. It seems like every day there are school closings and delays! And there’s not even any snow on the ground! WTF? Were all of the school administrators bastards when I was a kid? Or are all children just pussies nowadays.
- Saturday morning cartoons. Man, when we were kids, we had awesome Saturday morning cartoons: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman, Ghostbusters, X-Men, The Tick, Eek The Cat. Turn the TV on now and all you’ll find is bastardized Pokemon-wannabes.
- Children who think I’m 40. I’M NOT 40! I’m, like, barely 28. Ya little bastards…
- Bad Photoshop and CGI. The general rule for this, I think, should be like women’s general rule with make-up: use just enough to make it look like you aren’t using any at all. If I can tell you Photoshopped an image, chances are, it’s probably bad.
- Bad comic book lettering. Ever since I started lettering my own comics in Adobe Illustrator, bad lettering in other comics has become a lot easier to spot. It’s not that hard to center your text or make decent word balloons that don’t rip you out of the story, especially in Illustrator! Seriously, if I can do this, there shouldn’t be any reason why any other letter can’t do an amazing job in their books.
- “News” shows who seem to only report on celebrities. I don’t care who is fucking who or who stopped fucking whomever or who knocked up what and who is going to jail or rehab or wherever. Remember when news used to be about real things?
- My bank. Thank you for charging me so much for the privilege of using my own money.
- Computers that exist in movies and on TV that could never exist in real life. Now, I’m not talking about futuristic Start Trek shit here. I mean the sort of computers that they have in shows like CSI that can do frickin’ anything! THOSE COMPUTERS DO NOT EXIST!
- People who don’t read my friends TWM, Justin Shady, dwellephant, Erik Rose, Darby O’Gill, Dirk Shearer, and Jack Gregory‘s blogs. You’re missing out on some Grade A shit, kids. Check ’em out.
So what are your pet peeves?
Sippin’ on that Haterade,