It’s been a while since we’ve talked, dude. What’s it been? About a year? (Wink!) How’ve you been? And the missus? The two of you go anywhere this year? Take a little vacation? Get a little sumthan’-sumthan’ goin’ on? Heh heh heh. Of course, you did.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me last year. I do appreciate it. Hope you don’t mind that I didn’t leave you any milk and cookies, though. I just thought that if it were me making that trip, I’d want a big ol’ juicy steak and baked potato will all the fixin’s waitin’ for me. (I know Mrs. Claus wants you to cut down on the red meat and all, but I won’t tell her if you won’t. Wink!) Same menu this year?
I know this is your busy season and all – and I am writing too you at the last moment – so I’ll get to the point.
All I want for Christmas this year is a year of peace and prosperity. End the war in the Middle East. Fix the economy. Take care of our people here in the U.S. Make sure we’re all safe and fed and sheltered and healthy.
That’s all I want for Christmas. Honest.
However, if you are – by chance – feeling the teensiest bit more generous than that, I wouldn’t mind getting a lucrative book deal for Christmas. We just sent our book proposal – for our original graphic novel, Punch-Up (I’ll save you a copy.) – out to a couple of comic book publishing houses and it would just be fuckin’ tits if we actually got published.
And maybe a movie based off of one of my stories from the lucrative book deal? That’d be nice.
And affordable health insurance for all. Or just me. Whatever.
And a free trip through Europe.
Let’s see… what else? Ooh! A puppy—wait… I already got on of those. Scratch that. A mogwai! I’ll feed him and walk him and love him and never expose him to bright lights or water and I’ll never feed him after midnight. I promise!
And, hey, since you’re making that trip around the world this week, would you mind stoppn’ at some book stores across Europe and South America and pickin’ me up some comics? It’s so hard to come by good European and Brazilian comics here in the states. Anything by Rafael Grampa, Gustavo Duarte, Danilo Beyruth, Eduardo Medeiros, Rafael Coutinho, and some old Monsieur Jean comics.
I’d also like the Jim Henson Company to make a Muppet in my likeness. That’s been one of my biggest dreams since I was like five years old. I always dreamed that I would be the sarcastic third edition to the balcony, besides Statler and Waldorf, although, looking back now, I’m pretty sure I’d end up being the bear no one thought was funny.
And some new socks.
Thanks, Santa. Talk you ya next year.
Your friend (and part-time lover),
PS – I know you’re busy and all – what with the workshop and the deliveries and puttin’ Mrs. Claus on the ol’ “Naughty List” — so you probably don’t get out to see movies all that often, but Tim Allen’s been making some really shitty movies in your name. There’s like three of them now. You may want to send a few elves out to “take care” of that.