So did you guys figure out what you’re going to be for Halloween yet? Having trouble deciding on a costume? Worried that all the good costumes will be gone? And then you’ll have to go to that party as a bed-sheet ghost and try to convince everyone that you’re not a member of the KKK? AGAIN.
Well, worry no more, chum.
Now, through great scientific and technological advances, you too can be the life of the party when you wear the GO FRANK GO MASK™! With the GO FRANK GO MASK™, you can:
1. Pretend to be a writer!
2. Repulse women!
3. Have low self-esteem!
4. Master self-deprecation and sarcasm!
5. Get a dog!
6. Have parents that think you’re gay!
7. Hate and complain about everything!
8. Never have sex again!
9. Drink alone!
10. And cry yourself to sleep every night!
WARNING: Side effects of wearing the GO FRANK GO MASK™ may include nausea, vomiting, headaches, heartburn, hair loss, diarrhea, dry mouth, water retention, painful rectal itch, hallucination, dementia, psychosis, coma, death, jazz hands, halitosis, lung cancer, mental retardation, brain tumors, paralysis, sleep loss, internal bleeding, internal combustion, spontaneous human combustion, jock itch, an addiction to cocaine, heroin, and Windex, osteoporosis, claustrophobia, acne, playing Everquest II, regular PMS, the inability to use proper English in an online environment, athlete’s foot, inability to breathe oxygen, a sudden urge to watch the Chinese version of Friends, migraines, diabetes, deafness, wedgies, dying alone and making Baby Jesus cry.
(In all seriousness though, if anyone out there actually prints off the GO FRANK GO MASK™, send me a picture of yourself or your friends and loved ones wearing it and I’ll post them on the blog!)