There’s one thing I’ve never understood about porn – well, I don’t understand porn in general, but I digress – any time, in movies or on television or even when making fun of porn with your friends, the two go-to scenarios are the pizza delivery boy and the plumber.

I kind of get the pizza delivery boy premise, the handsome young delivery boy lucking into the house with the horny young woman – women – who just can’t afford the large one-topping.

PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Evening, ma’am. I got a large sausage for you, hot and juicy.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE
Oh, I don’t think I have enough money to give you a tip.

PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
That’s OK. I’ll give YOU the tip…

PIZZA DELIVERY BOY (con’t)
… and the shaft!

You know?

I get that. Hot and juicy satisfaction, deliverer in 30 minutes or less.

But I never really bought the whole plumber idea.

Here’s why:

Thursday night, I came home from work only to discover that the drain in my hot water-heater closet had backed up and flooded my dining room. Again.

I called my landlord early Friday morning and they said that maintenance would be out to my apartment by eleven that morning.

They ended up knocking on my door around one thirty that afternoon.

After bumbling around for half an hour, they told me that they found used diaper wipes and leftover macaroni in the drain. Best guess, the neighbor next door, whose kitchen sink drains into the same pipes as my own, had been literally shoving her garbage down the disposal.

The maintenance guys told me they’d have a plumber out to my place within the hour to clear out the clog better and then they’d be back to clean up my soaked carpet with the wet-vac, and call in the carpet cleaners to steam clean my ruined carpet.

Three o’clock came and went and no one showed up at my apartment. I figured they we just late like they were the first time they were supposed to show up.

At five o’clock, I called my landlord again, and she told me that they were working on another job, just down the street from me, but they would be there that night.

Which I get. Believe me, I get.

Back when I was doing freelance and commissioned artwork, anytime someone would want to hire me to draw a portrait or something, I would tell them that I had two or three other jobs I was already working on, even if my schedule was clear. That way, if I was ever late finishing a piece for whatever reason, I could say “The other piece ran long.”

By ten o’clock, I decided they weren’t going to fix my carpets and turned in for the night.

And that’s why I never bought that go-to plumber story line in most pornos.

‘Cause I was waiting there, like, all day in my sexiest, sluttiest lingerie and nobody came by and offered to snake my drain.

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