Back in the heyday of Tastes Like Chicken, there was a postboard. And on that postboard, all the chickenheads would gather and generally make fun of Nonnie’s mom. Then, my good friend TWM started writing Chuck Norris facts about the staff members of the magazine.

These were some of the one written about me:

Boom Boom Storm Cloud likes to further his appreciation for Zen poetry by attaching kittens to stunt kites and flying them in a high wind.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud can untie a spider web without breaking it.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud knows which fork is which at a fancy dinner. Doesn’t mean he’ll use ‘em, though.

A long time ago me and my brother Boom Boom Storm Cloudwas hitchhikin’ down a long and lonesome road. All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road, and he said: “Play the best song in the world, or I’ll eat your soul.” Well, me and Boom Boom, we looked at each other and we each said… “Okay.” And we played the first thing that came to our heads, and it just so happened to be The Best Song in the World. Needless to say, the beast was stunned. WHIP-CRACK went his swampy tail, and the beast was done. He asked us: “Be you angels?” And we said, “Nay. We are but men.” Rock!

Boom Boom Storm Cloud can read the side of a box of Cap’n Crunch out loud and make you sob like a little bitch.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud does this trick where he pulls a rabbit out of your ass. He calls it “Don’t ask, don’t tell” magic.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud eats his cereal with a fork because he knows it pisses you off.

Boom Boom Storm Cloudloved getting good marks on grade school assignments, because it meant he was getting another scratch and sniff sticker. And man, those things taste AWESOME.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud says truth has no path. He says truth is living and, therefore, changing.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud says awareness is without choice, without demand, without anxiety; in that state of mind, there is perception. To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud says awareness has no frontier; it is giving of your whole being, without exclusion.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud was once a doctor who owned a modest brownstone in Brooklyn’s famed Bed-Stuy neighborhood. He, his wife, and his five children were the inspiration for not only one of the most POPULAR TV comedies ever, but one that paved the way for future African-American-based sitcoms. He then went on to boost Jell-o sales.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud has a great collection of horrible sweaters, and most of his relatives are famous jazz musicians. On the plus side, he’s seen Lisa Bonet nekkid.

Boomer’s your dad. Boomer’s everybody’s dad. He’s fucked that many moms. But your mom? She was special. Or not…..

Boom Boom Storm Cloud ended one of the lonest running rivalries in legend history when he defeated his archnemesis, the almighty Whimper Whimper Tinkle Puff, through a series of bodyslams off Mt. Everest. Boom Boom went on to be feared by man. Whimper Whimper Tinkle Puff went on to be known as “Nonnie.”

Boom Boom Storm Cloud aquired his infamous internet sobriquet by selling golden showers for $5 on the mean streets of Columbus.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud’s smile is like a hug on a cold day. Or like snuggling with a puppy dog. Remember that. Or don’t. Whatever.

Crop circles are Boom Boom Storm Cloud’s way of telling corn that it needs to lie the fuck down.

Each morning, Boom Boom Storm Cloud wakes up, stumbles into the bathroom and after a scratch and an examination of his tongue, he shouts, “ANCIENT SPIRITS OF EVIL, TRANSFORM THIS DECAYED FORM INTO MUMRA THE EVER LIVING!” Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Then he shaves, brushes his teeth and goes to work.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud only sings when he’s fixin’ to kill a man.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud irons his clothes while wearing them.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud takes every speed bump at 35 mph.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud’s just like the “Footloose” soundtrack: dependable and catchy as all get out. Now, let’s hear it for the boy. The “boy” being Boomer.

You can pound on Boom Boom Storm Cloud’s door all fucking day with your tissue paper threats. He will merely laugh at you.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud likes long walks on the beach, and the smell of gasoline.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud says truth has no path. He says truth is living and, therefore, changing.

When Boom Boom Storm Cloud heats a chicken pot pie in the microwave, it is never too hot, nor is it too cold. It is always just right.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud can kick an apple off the top of your head.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud is a man among men, a god among insects and when he sweats, he smells like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud continues to defy your best attempt to render him as a Zwinky, so you can just forget it.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud can hatch a baby gosling with the sheer power of his good looks.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud is magical, like unicorns and shit.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud knows karate, Voodoo, too.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud can stare into the sun, because eventually the sun WILL blink.

Boom Boom Storm Cloud knows PRECISELY how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. He counted. He’s science like that.

Yeah.

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