Dear Santa,

It’s been a while since we’ve talked, dude. What’s it been? About a year? (Wink!) How’ve you been? And the missus? The two of you go anywhere this year? Take a little vacation? Get a little sumthan’-sumthan’ goin’ on? Heh heh heh. Of course, you did.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me last year. I do appreciate it. Hope you don’t mind that I didn’t leave you any milk and cookies, though. I just thought that if it were me making that trip, I’d want a nice juicy cheeseburger and some fries waitin’ for me. (I know Mrs. Claus wants you to cut down on the red meat and all, but I won’t tell her if you won’t. Wink!) Same menu this year?

I know this is your busy season and all – and I am writing too you at the last moment – so I’ll get to the point.

All I want for Christmas this year (which I’ve never figured out why you give me presents when it’s the Baby Jesus’s birthday but, hey, whom am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?) is a year of peace and prosperity. End the war in the Middle East. Fix the economy. Take care of our people here in the U.S. Make sure we’re all safe and fed and sheltered. And, with President-elect Obama taking office soon, you won’t even have to work that hard! Wink! Heck, I won’t even mind if you don’t bring my presents until January 20th! Double wink! (Although, if you could cure the whole cancer thing, that’d be great. I don’t think there’s much President-elect Obama can do about it in he first term.)

That’s all I want for Christmas. Honest.

However, if you are – by chance – feeling the teensiest bit more generous than that, I wouldn’t mind getting a lucrative book deal for Christmas.

Or affordable health insurance for all.

Could you also talk Blackalicious into making a new album? And, while you’re at it, talk The Roots out of committing career seppuku by becoming f@%king Jimmy Fallon’s house band. Ooh! And stop the ABC from killing off Pushing Daisies! I can’t believe another on of my favorite shows – while supposedly “critically-acclaimed” — is getting canceled!

I wouldn’t mind a couple of winning lottery tickets. Or a free trip through Europe. Let’s see… what else? Natalie Portman. Advanced copies of Greg Rucka’s new Atticus Kodiak novel and Bryan Lee O’Malley’s Scott Pilgrim Vol. 5. A puppy—wait… I already got on of them. Scratch that. Um… Thandie Newton. How about a movie based off of one of my stories from the lucrative book deal? That’d be nice. I’d also like the Jim Henson Company to make a Muppet in my likeness. And Audrey Tautou.

Oh, and the 2-disc widescreen super-mega-retarded-ultra edition of The Dark Knight and some new socks.

Thanks, Santa. Talk you ya next year.

Your friend (and part-time lover),
Boom Boom Storm Cloud

PS – I know you’re busy and all – what with the workshop and the deliveries and puttin’ Mrs. Claus on the ol’ “Naughty List” — so you probably don’t get out to see movies all that often, but Tim Allen’s been making some really shitty movies in your name. There’s like three of them now. You may want to send a few elves out to “take care” of that.