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I was born and raised in a suburb of Cleveland, OH, twenty-eight years ago. However, it didn’t feel like my life had really started I went away to college, in Columbus, ten years ago.
I was never that great at making friends and had, at one point in my life or another, even convinced myself that I was better off on my own. Despite that, over the past several years, I somehow managed to amass some truly amazing friends.
Unfortunately, it would seem as quickly as we came together, we would drift apart and go our separate ways.
At the beginning of August 2007, two of my closest friends, Kevin and Jody, got married and moved a hundred miles away, to Akron, OH.
In July of 2008, my negro amigo David, already living for several years in Cincinnati, OH, accepted a teaching position at a university and moved to Toronto, ON Canada.
Halfway through the summer of 2009, Suenita, one of the first true friends I made after moving to Columbus, decided to return to her home in St. Croix.
And during the fall of 2009, my Sasquatch – Abby – attempted to “better herself” through “higher education” by attending the Savannah College of Art & Design in Georgia.
Yesterday, August 2nd, 2010, my best friend – Michael Lee Harris – foolishly followed in the Sasquatch’s very big footsteps and has moved out of Columbus, OH to relocate to the “Atlanta of Southern Georgia” – Savannah.
Michael is the last of my core group of friends to leave. Sure, I have other friends and acquaintances, people I see or talk to every few weeks or months, but those whom I kept close contact with on an almost daily basis?
They’re gone now.
It’s just me.
Which can only mean on thing…
THAT I WILL RULE COLUMBUS WITH AN IRON FUCKING FIST!!!
NO MORE SHALL I WASTE VALUABLE TIME WITH MEETING UP WITH OTHERS TO EAT FOOD AND DRINK BEVERAGES OF THE ALCOHOLIC PERSUASION OR SEEING MOVIES OR JUST “HANGING OUT.” (WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS…)
NO, NOW IS THE TIME THAT I SQUASH THE PUNY PEASANTS BENEATH MY BOOTHEALS AND TAKE MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS THIS PITIFUL CITY’S SOVEREIGN, FEARLESS LEADER!! (FEARLESS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF, Y’KNOW, HEIGHTS AN’ SHIT.)
I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES, SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE ME, AND HEAR THE LAMENTATION OF THEIR WOMEN!!
NOW, FOOLS, KNEEL BEFORE FRANK!!
(Good luck, Mike. Gimme a call once you settle in, dude.)