Earlier today I poked my nose into a conversation between my friends, Adam and Brian, who were joking about making a bitchy spinoff to Brian’s Fireside Magazine — which was recently fully funded on Kickstarter. Congrats, guys! — call Firesnide Magazine.

So, of course, I threw my hat into the ring and shouted “I WANT TO WRITE FOR THAT ONE!!!”

Brian joked about needing to see some sample reviews before I got the job, and I immediately sent him a link to some of the bitchy CD reviews I used to write for Tastes Like Chicken.

Needless to say, I got the imaginary position.

Feeling a bit nostalgic, I dug up my old TLC review files and, man, did I write some of the bitchiest CD reviews.

Here’s a few of my favorites:

MARCUS SATELLITE — A TRIBUTE TO U2
Want to hear some techno-loving douche-bag with a laptop ruin 14 of your most beloved U2 favorites? Then check out Marcus Satellite’s latest release.
RATING: ONE STAR

SMOKE OR FIRE — THIS SINKING SHIP
If you DON’T buy this album, then they WON’T make more. Only YOU can prevent “Smoke Or Fire.”
RATING: ONE STAR

SNATCHES OF PINK — LOVE IS DEAD
You know that feeling you got when you found out that your dad and his goofy friends were in some Rolling Stones-wannabe rock band — whose name giddily alludes to a woman’s vagina — that no one’s ever heard of, like, twenty-some years ago and they’ve decided, during one of their mid-life crises, to get the band back together and perform in front of all of your friends and then tried to sleep with your girlfriend afterward? Feel kinda skeasy and uncomfortable? Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt listening to this album.
RATING: ONE STAR

ALIENS — ALIENS
It’s true: aliens are among us. I know this because this album just probed me.
RATING: ONE STAR

LACONA – 35/ HALF OF 70 and PRESIDENT’S DAY
Before the release of their upcoming album, Pantomime, the Chicago-based Lacona decided to release two singles, each with it’s own complimentary b-side, that takes a flying leap away from the ordinary into the realms of uncertainty. With wildly unconventional instrumentals and lyrics that are, regrettably, lacking – for example: “you can swallow you pride but if you swallow your tongue, then you’ll choke” — Lacona is going to be either the band you tolerate or the band you hate.
RATING: TWO STARS

KIFF – YOU CAN’T KEEP IT DOWN
Story goes that Chris “Kiff” Gallagher left “an impressive career in business and politics” to… well… make this, I suppose. Don’t get me wrong – the guy has a decent amount of talent and drive – but I can’t see his music being listened to by anyone other that middle-aged mothers trying to connect with their teenage daughters or being played on a radio station that doesn’t have the words “sunny” or “lite rock” in their name.
RATING: THREE STARS

THE CHARIOT – THE FIANCEE
Six things I thought while listening to this album:
1) My dog pissed herself and hid behind the couch as soon as the first track started.
2) The lead vocalist sounds like the deranged love child of an angry, snarling bear and Cookie Monster. I have no idea what he’s saying. I’ll have to read the liner notes later.
3) Why do the lyrics have to be screamed at me? It feels like I’m being punished for receiving this album.
4) Christian metal? Really? Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose?
5) I’m almost tempted to give them one star because the cover originally made me think that this was going to be some shitty indie rock album.
6) I pretty much hate this.
RATING: ZERO STARS

THE EXIES – A MODERN WAY OF LIVING WITH THE TRUTH
The Exies are back with their fourth attempt to try and revive the post-grunge era. The only problem with this is that no one else really wants 1994 back. It is worth mentioning, however, that they also do an almost impressive job of completely ruining the revered Talking Heads’ classic “Once In A Lifetime.”
RATING: ONE STAR

BLAIR LOTT – ROOMS AND BOXES
Listening to Blair Lott makes me feel like I’m somewhere else completely. Unfortunately, that place is a dive bar at the airport. I know that sounds harsh. The guy has a decent voice and a capable backing band, but they just sort of sound like Phish with half of their instruments and none of the pot.
RATING: TWO STARS

FICKLE – THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS
You know that feeling you get when you think you’re going to throw up but then don’t? Your stomach gets kind of queasy, then your throat gets red hot, followed by a feeling that something is coming up, so you quickly close and cover you mouth, only to have nothing happen but a hot, bitterness enter and, as much as you try, you just can’t get rid of the taste. That’s kind of the feeling I had after listening to Fickle, except it was in my ears.
RATING: ONE STAR

VERONA GROVE – EP
Remember the days when punk was defined by the Ramones, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Buzzcocks, The Germs, and The Stooges? What happened to the days when punk had balls and not a myspace account?
RATING: ONE STAR

AJ ROSALES – ULTRAMARINE
wa·tered-down [waw-terd-doun, wot-erd-] –adjective
made weaker or less effective from or as from dilution with water: a watered-down cocktail; Spectators saw a watered-down version of the famous opera; AJ Rosales latest album.
RATING: TWO STARS

NO HOLLYWOOD ENDING – EVERYBODY’S TALKING
No Hollywood Ending’s sophomore effort, Everybody’s Talking, aptly named because “everyone’s talking everywhere at all times” (a direct quote on the origins of the album’s title from the press release), is “the highly anticipated new full length album, three years in the making.” Personally, it takes me way less time to take that huge of a shit. (Maybe the guys in No Hollywood Ending might require a tad more fiber in their diets.)
RATING: ONE STAR

MAYDAY PARADE
As is turns out, listening to Mayday Parade is just about as fun as watching a real parade… only without the marching bands, the colorful floats, the giant balloons and the midgets tossing candy to kids. So that would make it as fun as, what? Watching rush hour traffic?
RATING: TWO STARS

SCENES FROM A MOVIE – THE PULSE
They should be called Scenes From A Really Bad Movie.
RATING: ONE STAR

FOUR YEAR STRONG – RISE OR DIE TRYING
Wayne, I fucking hate you for making me listen to this shit.
RATING: ZERO STARS

2011 was the first year I had lived in my hometown in a decade. Although, I did some freelancing and lived off of what I made, I was technically unemployed — for the first time since I was sixteen years old — the entire year. I knew very few people in town who I wasn’t related to. I lived mostly as a hermit, emerging from my secluded home only for sustenance, out-of-town comic conventions, and, occasionally, for short bursts of human contact.

That said, 2011 also held a lot of big moments for me, as well.

I made more art in the past year than I have in all the years since I dropped out of art school. Some of it got used, some of it didn’t. Some of it I even got paid for.

In 2011, the Amazing David Brame and I stepped into the world of webcomics, with the February debut of Punch-Up.net.

2011 also marked my first time as a paid comic book writer as well as a paid comic book letterer (that book was only just completed and I have not been able to share pages from it as of yet).

And I’ve received shout outs from both Warren Ellis, for a book cover I designed, and Joe Hill, who had start reading my webcomic. I may not be a famous comic book creator, but famous comic book creators are becoming aware that I — or, at least, my work — exists. Hopefully, in a good way.

At the time of this writing, we are nearly through the first day of 2012 and I honestly cannot predict what this new year will bring nor how it will change me. I’m another year older and, hopefully, a little wiser and, with any luck, I’ll be able to say the same this time next year.

Best to you and yours in the coming year. Cheers.

This year, however… I dunno. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but this year is different.

Yeah, I want to keep a sketch-a-day blog, get a copy of Jack Claymore, Agent of V.I.O.L.E.N.C.E. drawn and printed by SPACE, get a few more comics and secret projects completed, and possibly finish up Punch-Up by year’s end or at least find a publisher to collect and print it.

But as far as resolutions go? I think I’m going to keep it simple this year.

This year, I just want to be a better person. I want to be a better person at the end of the year than I was at the beginning. Simple as that.

Little more somber of a resolution than years past, but there ya go.

How do you guys and gals want to change and grow in the coming year?

While I’m posting art, thought I’d share with you the reference sketches I did a couple of weeks ago for the animated Christmas comic I put up last weekend. While the drawing style for the comic was a lot simpler and more cartoony, my initial sketches fairly realistic.

Both Jabba and Bib Fortuna were drawn with a black 01 Micron pen and touched up with my trusty Pentel Pocket Brush Pen. No pencils were involved in any stage of these drawings; only ink and paper.

(I also did a Salacious Crumb sketch, but was nowhere near as satisfied with it as I was with these two.)

Hope ya like.

-F

I was fortunate enough to receive a Wacom Intuos4 drawing tablet for Christmas. Got to play around with it a bit Christmas morning, but haven’t really had the chance to take it for a test drive until this morning.

Decided to do a quick 15 minute sketch of Jack Claymore, the title character of my upcoming comic, Jack Claymore, Agent of V.I.O.L.E.N.C.E., due out hopefully this Spring. (Unfortunately,  this was my second take on the character this morning, as Photoshop crashed on my just as I was finishing up the first attempt. As pleased as I am with the way this one turned out, I wish I had time to save the first one, which I liked even more. C’est La Vie.)

Now that I have a drawing tablet and don’t have to worry about using my scanner that works only when it chooses to, I think I may try and do more daily sketches like this in the coming year. It’ll probably be just head shots and simple full body to start, until I get a little more accustomed to working with the tablet. If you have any requests — comic characters, movie characters, musicians, whatever — feel free to shout ‘em out in the comments section or on Twitter. Who knows, maybe I’ll even start a Tumblr for these.

Anyway, hope ya dig.

-F

A couple of days ago, I decided that I wanted to do something a little special for all of my friends and readers this holiday season — especially since I don’t get to see many of you anymore. I didn’t want to write the usual “Letter To Santa” or post another silly pic of my pup in a Santa hat.

Instead, I’ve spent the past several days — and nights — writing and drawing a three-page animated holiday comic. Just for you.

(Dear Charles Schulz, I’m sorry I ruined your beloved characters. Please forgive me. Love always, Frankie.)

(Dear George Lucas, Don’t really care. Yours, Frankie.)

By the way, in case you haven’t already seen it, the Amazing David Brame and I post a five-page out-of-continuity Punch-Up holiday comic yesterday. Give it a look. Hope ya dig.

Hope you and yours have a safe and happy holiday season! Love you guys!

-Frankie

So today is a pretty big milestone for the Amazing David Brame and myself.

After several years of conception and writing and editing and rewriting and drawing and everything that goes into making a comic, and, then, everything that goes into pitching that comic to publishers, waiting, waiting some more, getting rejection letters, crying, drinking, then manning up and throwing the whole book on the web for free, one page at a time, we have finally reached the one hundredth (!!!) page of Punch-Up!

We’re nearing the halfway mark of the story but, looking forward at what’s to come, man, it feels like we’re still just getting started.

For the moment, though, we’re going to pause here and celebrate our achievement. And, what better way to celebrate than to give away free shit to the people who got us this far?

(That would be you, by the way. Our readers.)

But we’re not just gonna give you awesome prizes. No, you’re gonna have to work for it! Which is why, here today, we’re starting…

THE FIRST EVER (and probably only) GREAT PUNCH-UP SCAVENGER HUNT GIVEAWAY EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

THE RULES

The rules are pretty simple. I’m going to give you five riddles/clues and you tell me which person, place, or thing I’m talking about. And this is very much an open book contest and our entire archive is at you disposal.

DO NOT list your answers in the comments section. Instead, send your answers, along with your first and last name and where you’re from (city/state – or city/providence/country, if not from the US – is fine enough), to: patrick@punch-up.net, with “Punch-Up Contest” in the subject line.

Those who answer correctly, will have their names added to a hat and three winners will be drawn at random.

The scavenger hunt starts today – Friday, December 9^th – and ends at midnight on Saturday, December 17^th. Winners will be notified and announced on Monday, December 19^th.

THE CLUES

1. Though I may already be a comic book character, I assure you that I do not have super powers nor do I run a school. Who am I?

2. I’ve been in music for 40 years and now I’m in pictures. (Don’t mention me to Jessie. It’s a sore point.) Who am I?

3. We are two who are one. We can speed things up, or we can slow things down… for the ladies. Who are we?

4. Some say that I am a mythical beast. But I’m always hanging around… at least on paper. What am I?

5. I was originally written by the Italians, but made famous by felt. And I’m always just a phone call away. What am I?

THE SWAG

Well, this is what you’ve all been waiting for, huh? What do we wiiiiin???

Well, I’ve thought about this a lot and I think we’ve got some pretty cool prizes to throw your way.

The Third Place Winner will receive a copy of the 40-page Punch-Up minicomic, which covers the complete first act up to the first appearance of Kendra, and some Punch-Up postcards and stickers.

The Second Place Winner will receive a copy of the Punch-Up minicomic, Punch-Up postcards and stickers, AND an awesome Patrick Punch-Buddy ™ made by my good friend, Abigail Kokai.

AND THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER will receive a copy of the Punch-Up minicomic, Punch-Up postcards and stickers, the Patrick Punch-Buddy ™, AND will be DRAWN INTO A PAGE OF THE BOOK, BY THE AMAZING DAVID BRAME, AS ONE OF PATRICK’S CLIENTS!!!

The Grand Prize Winner gets to BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF PATRICK!!! How AWESOME is THAT?!

Once again, the scavenger hunt starts today – Friday, December 9^th – and ends at midnight on Saturday, December 17^th.

GOOD LUCK! And thanks again for reading!

No purchase necessary. One entry per reader. Void where prohibited. Other small text that makes this look official.

So what’s he doing on his “vacation”? Drawing, of course.

He’s decided to draw 20 pin ups in 20 days. Yesterday, he posted an amazing drawing of perhaps my favorite superhero, Daredevil. (I’m hoping he decides to sell prints. I’d buy the hell outta this one.)

You can follow Dave’s work here.

I’m sorry. Correction. She didn’t allegedly stab another husband to death with a pair of quilting needles.

Actually, Abby is spending the next few months in Colorado, working with an organization called Platform, an arts group that works with kids.

Check out the video here. (Abby is the Sasquatch on the right. WINK!)