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Ho ho ho kids,
Because my friend Emily gave me a hell of a lot of poo about it on Monday, here is my list of favorite Christmas movies:
1. Die Hard
This is by far my favorite Christmas movie. It has everything I associate with my own family holidays: estranged husband and wife yelling and arguing, lots of swearing, an evil German, gun fire, explosions, walking barefoot across a floor of broken glass, and eggnog. OK, yes, I am exaggerating a bit; we don’t really know any Germans. My slight embellishment aside, Die Hard is my absolute favorite holiday film, perfect for the entire family.
2. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Didn’t expect this, did ya? Well, why not? Again, it has everything I need in a Christmas movie: John McClane shooting terrorists at an airport on Christmas Eve. I stopped believing in Santa Claus at a pretty early age, but I was crushed when my parents told me that John McClane was just a guy in a suit. A part of me, deep down inside, still believes that John McClane real and that, every Christmas Eve, he makes his journey around the world, giving the gifts of gunshot wounds to evil Germans and terrorists.
3. The Muppet Christmas Carol
The Muppet Christmas Carol holds a special place in my heart. I love the Muppets. I mean, I really love the Muppets. So much so that – when I was a little kid – I used to hope and pray and wish that I could be a Muppet when I grew up. Part of me – the same part that believes John McClane is real – still does. I always dreamed that I would be the sarcastic third edition to the balcony, besides Statler and Waldorf, although, looking back now, I’m pretty sure I’d end up being the bear no one thought was funny. Anyway, one of the saddest days of my life was the day Jim Henson died and I was told that there would be no more Muppets. Those feelings were amended when The Muppet Christmas Carol was released a few years later, renewing my faith in all things good. Of course, my faith was destroyed yet again when they took my cherished childhood television and movie characters and started making crap like The Muppets Treasure Island and The Muppets Wizard of Oz, but I digress…
4. A Christmas Story
I think just about everyone can relate to – or, at the very least, enjoy — this 1983 Christmas classic. I know I love it because it reminds me of the half-baked situations my family gets into around the holidays. But that fact that it’s told as a memoir – filled with dark humor, biting sarcasm, and caustic cynicism – is the real draw of it for me. Seeing A Christmas Story for the first time was one of those defining moments in my life that showed me that all the horrible, effed up things that happen might be worth writing down for the enjoyment of others.
5. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Isn’t this everyone’s guilty pleasure Christmas movie. I know it’s mine. Also, at times, my dad is kind of like Clark Griswold…
6. A Charlie Brown Christmas
More than a few people have compared me to an adult Charlie Brown, which I have come to embrace. I do own — and occasionally wear — the Charlie Brown T-shirt; I have a beagle; life just loves to continually kick me when I’m down; I’ve never successfully kicked a football; I used to be totally in love with a red-haired girl; whenever most people talk to me, all I hear are trombone noises; and I also think Christmas is completely over-commercialized. Oh, and when I dance, I tend to rock rigidly back and forth, from one foot to the other, while staring straight up in the air…
7. How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 Animated Version)
Dr. Suess, Chuck Jones, and Boris Karloff! Do I really have to explain how my heart grows three sizes too big watching this amazing animated film every year?
8. The City of Lost Children
OK, so I know this technically isn’t a Christmas movie, but its opening scene shows the scariest psychopathic Santa on Earth, the mad scientist Krank, breaking into Parisian houses and kidnapping children so that he can use their ability to dream to slow his own aging process. Outside of that, nothing really to do with Jesus’s birth, but I’d much rather watch this than Miracle On 34th Street.
Pros: awesome retelling of a classic story; Bill Murry; Robert Mitchum; Alfre Woodard; Jamie Farr; Buddy Hackett; Robert Goulet; Lee Majors; and MILES F&#*ING DAVIS!!!!! Cons: Bobcat Goldthwait was in another movie.
10. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Yeah, yeah. I know. But I like (some) Tim Burton films and I went to art school so I think that legally requires me to add this to the list.
So there you have it, kids. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I’ll see ya around here again soon.
Your friend (and co-believer in John McClane),
Boom Boom Storm Cloud