Long time no see, right? Sorry about that.
Been in a bit of kind of a bad place the past two weeks. Someone I was, for a time, very close to took her own life and I have been dealing with that loss — and all of the sadness and anger and regret and guilt that comes with it — poorly, to say the least. I tried talking about it, I tried writing about it, but couldn’t quite find the right words. So I decided to keep my mouth shut, bottle that shit up, and deal with it on my own as best I could.
Y’know, ’cause that’s what I’m best at; bottling shit up.
The first few days were rough. I’m pretty sure I was in a literal near-catatonic state of shock for those first 24 hours. I did a little better next day, though, and better still the day after that. It’s been just under two weeks now and I still haven’t exactly jumped to the “acceptance” stage of the Kubler-Ross — I’m still stuck somewhere in the middle — but the hurt gets a little easier to live with every day, even if it never truly goes away.
I’ve written and rewritten this post every day for the past week, including each and every raw nerve and scattered emotion, but I could never actually bring myself to hit the “Publish” button. I finally realized that, while writing out my feelings on the subject may bring some small sense of closure, those details really aren’t any of your business. So this is all you get. Sorry.
I’m also disabling comments on this post. I don’t mean to seem rude. I just don’t think I can stand to hear anyone say “I’m sorry for your loss.” one more time. Because it’s not my loss. It’s her’s. It’s her you should feel sad for. Not me. She was the one who was is so much pain that she had to… that she felt like she had no other options. I get that. I’ve been there. Don’t feel bad for me. She was the one who was suffering. And now, for better or worse, she is not.
I don’t know. Maybe I have a skewed way of looking at suicide.
Anyway. For those of you who are upset that I’ve been mostly quiet and distant the past few weeks, I’m sorry. I’m on my way back. I promise. And for those who are upset that I’m not mostly quiet and distant more often… *shrugs* I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m still here. I’m OK-ish. I’m dealing. It’s just taking some time.