…I fear that I’m becoming more and more like George Costanza.
Earlier today, I came across a random Seinfeld quote online — something George said — and I really related to it. Which is quite sad. I did a quick search for more George Costanza quotes and was blown away by how many of them could apply to my life, whether it be because of context or just his speech patterns. Which is even sadder. So, without further ado, the last few shreds of my dignity:
“Hi, my name is George, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”
“Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. ‘Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.”
“George is getting upset!”
“I’m speechless. I have no speech.”
“I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’”
“I’ve driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.”
“When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It’s a pleasure.”
“My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It’s one of the few things I do well.”
“Believe it or not, George isn’t at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I’d pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I’m not home.”
“You’ve been living a lie? I’ve been living… like twenty.”
“You’re killing independent George!”
“So I tell her, ‘I think I should leave now’. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn’t understand what had just happened and why I was leaving… The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I’m sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.”
“In high school it was always ‘Bonjour, le George’, ‘How’s it going le George?’, ‘Hey, let’s stuff le George in le locker’.”
“Only I could fail at failing.”
“So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.”
“I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate, I’ve got it all!”
“For fifty bucks I’d put my face in their soup and blow.”
“There is no bigger loser than me!”
“I’m 33 years old; I haven’t outgrown the problems of puberty, I’m already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood.”
“It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I’ve made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat – it’s all been wrong.”
“What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life.”
“Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?”
Frank is getting upset!
2 comments
Comments feed for this article
November 17, 2010 at 11:19 PM
cannibalcoalition
Well, bro. Let me put it this way: those were the 90′s. And we all know that the 90′s were about diversity, self depreciating humor, and making fun of people with toupees. And this is 2010, where we use the word “bro” to address people that aren’t actually related to us. Clearly, times have changed.
Yeah, jobs are hard to come by. Good jobs, anyhow. But that’s why I work at a Walmart: its not the best job, but hell… I’m only 23. I have PLENTY of time to learn to cope with disappointment. But you gotta start somewhere, and the bottom is usually a good place.
Also, this is how those “rags to riches” stories get started. I’d start composing your success story now, because when you get your feet off the ground you’ll be too busy to do it then. =DD
November 24, 2010 at 11:18 PM
Frank Cvetkovic
It’s funny, when your comment first popped up in my email to moderate I was like “Who the hell is this?”
First of all, most of the comments left on my blog are from either the same four people who regularly read and leave comments OR are from spammers.
Secondly, none of my friends ever call me ‘Bro’. Not even ironically. (Not that I have anything against the nickname; it just doesn’t come up in our day-to-day.)
I thought it was just some random internet douche bein’ a douche on the internet and was going to delete it, until I clicked onto the blog and saw your avatar. Then I was like “Holy shit! It’s Lee! From Mid-Ohio!” and I approved it.
In conclusion, ‘coffee’ is my favorite flavor of ice cream.